Palin Giving An Interview While Turkey’s Get Ground Up In Background

Simon likes this interview of Palin giving one of her mindless interviews while live turkeys are being ground (grinded?) up in the background.

Simon Tried To Be Nice By Offering $0.67 But Gets Screwed for the Whole $4.67

So Simon and I are talking about how nice Tony Romo is so he tells me this story via IM (with permission to reprint from him):

not that im freaking nice or anything
but allie and i are in heb
this girl is in line ahead of us buying 3 bags of ice
and she’s short, the bill is $4.67 or something and she only has 3 or 4 bucks 
so im kind of annoyed that she’s digging around for change because she’s like a buck short
taking forever so i finally say, just put the ice on my tab
when i said it, i was expecting her to give me the 3 or 4 bucks so i would only be out a buck but she sheepishly says thanks and takes off with the ice
so the im kind of hacked that she didnt give me the money she had so i wouldnt have to cover the whole thing
i dont know what to expect i guess, i assumed she would give me the money for some reason
anyway, allie thought i was the nicest saint in the world for offering to do that
even though, that wasn’t exactly what i had imagined
i dont think i told allie thats what i was expecting

He tells me the girl wasn’t pretty. There have been studies where ugly women don’t get help changing their tires. Was he being nice or was his time worth paying $0.67?

Tony Romo Not Only Cowboy Savior But Saint

Several months ago, I heard a story about Tony Romo pulling over to help some old couple change a tire by the side of the road right after the Philadelphia Eagles game. He didn’t tell them who he was but the couple recognized him and reported it.

Just recently, it has been reported that Tony Romo took a homeless man to the movies!

This is what Dallasnews.com reports:

A homeless man who goes by Doc was cashing in change at a Cinemark Theatre in Dallas when a guy walked up and offered to pay his way into the movie. He planned to spend his day passing out fliers and accepted a rain check before realizing that he recognized the generous gentleman.

“Was that Tony Romo?” Doc asked the worker behind the counter.

It sure was. Doc, who requested that his real name not be used, hustled across the street to the consignment store that paid him to occasionally pass out fliers and requested the day off. By the time he got back to the theater, Role Model had already started.

Romo, who confirmed the story but didn’t want to elaborate, waved Doc over to sit by him and his friend. Doc sheepishly mentioned that he hadn’t showered in a few days.

“Don’t worry about that,” Romo said. “I’m used to locker rooms.”

And so the $67 million quarterback and a man who doesn’t have $6.70 to his name sat next to each other and shared laughs for 90 minutes or so.

Watch Out For These Furby Gremlins

I don’t know about you but I don’t find these guys adorable at all. They’re Pygmy Tarsiers who were thought to be extinct but then recently rediscovered after 80 years in Indonesia.

How would you like to find these guys digging in your trash can late at night? Scientists can’t tag them well because they can turn their heads 180 degrees!

The IPhone Sure Looks A Lot Better Than It Did

I’ve had my Palm phone for about a year now. Maybe longer. I wrote a blog back when I was deciding on which new smart phone to buy. I dissed IPhone saying that it didn’t do work email, had a bad keyboard, didn’t have add on programs, and was on a slow network. I also wanted a Palm phone because I liked having a Palm Pilot back when it was popular. I had missed those old stylus days.

As time has gone by and competition becomes more intense, Palm has lost most of it’s market share. It had almost dwindled away to almost nothing until Sprint had a campaign for the Palm Centro which is just a cheap palm phone.

One of the reasons that Palm is losing the battle is because they just won’t update their Operating System. It basically looks the same as it did in 2002 and next to the interfaces of the IPhone, Blackberry, or Windows Mobile it looks like Atari next to the PS3.

So the IPhone has fixed a lot of my complaints. It now allows third party developers to sell applications that can be used on the IPhone. It has switched over to a faster network and can now pull business email from Microsoft Exchange. It’s keyboard is still crappy because the keys are too small and it doesn’t feel like anything when you click it unlike it’s competitors that has actual keys.

I also like phones with Windows Mobile because it integrates very will with Windows PC stuff. I am definitely a PC and not a MAC.

I probably won’t be making the switch anytime soon. I still won’t switch to a Blackberry because it doesn’t have a lot of third party applications but I may look into a Windows Mobile phone or an IPhone in the near future.

Team Aniston v Team Jolie

In a recent Vogue interview, Jennifer Aniston said it was “uncool” for Angelina Jolie to talk about how she was messing with Brad Pitt while Aniston and Pitt were still married. In the Hollywood gossip world, they were talking about two teams of people and what team were you on. Team Aniston or Team Jolie.

I’d like to say that I’m on Team Aniston the entire way. Why would anyone be on Team Jolie? I think Aniston is better looking and seems a lot nicer than Jolie. I could be wrong about the nicer thing but she seems nicer. And why would anyone be on Team Home Wrecker anyways? Trina might be on team Jolie because she thinks Aniston’s stock is going down from getting dumped publicly by John Mayer and Vince Vaughn although I hear Mayer and Aniston are getting back together and are really going to work it out.

I don’t even like Jolie’s movies, although the Changeling looks really good. I tried to watch Girl Interrupted on HBO the other night and I didn’t find it very interesting. It’s probably a little too Chick Flick for me. Jolie’s action movies really suck too. I haaattted Tomb Raider. I can’t believe I saw that crap in the theaters.

I know Aniston doesn’t have that many movies but I really liked the Good Girl and the Breakup was pretty good. She’s still working on her career. Aniston was funny on 30 Rock last week.

Team Aniston the whole way.

the NFL cares about Vegas

One the biggest news stories from last Sunday had nothing to do with the outcome of a game. It only had to do with betting line and yet it’s still being discussed all over the country.

I believe the line on the San Diego/Pittsburgh game was around 5. Before the final play of the game, the score was 11-10 Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh was going to win the game barring some miracle play by San Diego. On the last play San Diego starts doing multiple crazy laterals. Laterals are backwards passes and if you drop the ball or get it knocked down, it’s not an incomplete pass, it’s a fumble. During one of the laterals, a Pittsburgh player knocks it down and takes it to the house making the score with the extra point 18-10. If you took Pittsburgh, you win the bet, if you took San Diego, you’re putting your foot through your television screen.

Upon further review, they deem the last lateral a forward pass so they decided the fumble didn’t count and neither did that touchdown. Final score, 11-10. Now the NFL is saying they got that call wrong and the final score should have been 18-10, but it’s too late. In the record books, the final score is 11-10.

In the era of Tim Donaghy (he’s the NBA referee that has admitted he fixed games for the Mob), it is not an unrealistic conspiracy theory to think there are games out there being fixed for gambling. I know I’ve bet on games before in the past where I couldn’t believe someone fumbled the ball at the last minute or sprint to the three point line to launch a back breaker in seemingly garbage time.

I don’t think the referee or the NFL cared one way or the other who covered the lines but I do think they want a game where the right team covered the line. Throughout that entire game, I don’t believe San Diego was ever out of line coverage. The game should have ended with a failed hail mary or a couple of useless laterals before someone got tackled or the Pittsburgh defender should have knocked that ball down and just sat down. Sometimes opposing defensive players do that on the last play to not risk having it ripped out.

I think people prefer betting on the NFL as opposed to the NBA because there usually isn’t garbage time. Offensive teams aren’t slinging hail marys when they’re up 20 points because they don’t want people getting hurt and they don’t like running up the score (except for Bill Bellicheck). They take a nice knee and let the clock run out.

When I bet on an NFL game, I like to think if I win or lose it’s based on being smart about the game. When I bet on an NBA game, I know it’s a coin flip because the line’s are usually really good and there’s constant scoring. I commend you NFL referees for not making the last touchdown count. The right bet was San Diego all the way.

Brock Lesnar Wins MMA Fans Whimper

I hope I didn’t ruin the fight for someone saving it on their DVR but yes, Brock Lesnar beat Randy Couture last night. Brock Lesnar is a former WWF fake wrestler that has had a total of 4 fights in the UFC. He weighs at least 265 pounds. The reigning champ who he beat was barely 220 pounds and has fought at 205 pounds before. Different weight classes in the UFC fluctate about 20 pounds at a time. Since heavyweight is the biggest division in the UFC it goes from about 220 lbs to 265 lbs maximum. Brock Lesnar is a big ole fat/muscular guy and probably actually had to cut weight to get down to 265. When Lesnar was in the WWF, he wasn’t as flabby as he is now which is a clear indication that the WWF could care less how much steroids you shoot.

Although Couture is a Hall of Famer, was the reigning champion, and has had about 14 championship bouts, I felt like he was a big under dog in the fight mainly due to the age and weight difference. Couture is 45 years old and he’s giving up about 45 pounds. That’s like a light weight like Kenny Florian (155lbs) trying to fight Anderson Silva (205 although he’s been moving weight classes.) It just isn’t fair.

Skill matters a great deal in MMA fighting but it can only counter act weight differences by so much. When Joyce Gracie fought Kimo in the early days, that was probably at least a 60-70 lbs difference. Joyce won that fight by being able to pull Kimo’s pony tail (no hair pulling or crotch hitting rules back then) and by Kimo having no idea what an arm bar was. These days, if you way weigh 50 pounds more than someone and know how to do basic defense, the smaller guy has a lot of work cut out for him.

Frank Mir beat Brock in one of Brock’s first fights. That fight started with Brock running at Mir and knocking him down. Mir was able to endure a flurry of hammer fists but then put Brock in an ankle lock and made the big man tap. The best way to beat Brock is through Jujitsu. Put Brock on his back and confuse the hell out of him. Brock isn’t slow. He’s big and he can move and he has decent punching and kneeing skills. By the end of the second round, Brock was clearly winded. Since it was a 5 round championship match, Randy should have played it a little safer and took Brock to the later rounds. Unfortunately Randy got caught with a punch, buckled, and Brock pounced on him.

MMA fans around the world don’t like Brock’s win because he’s only had 4 MMA fights total. That means that he did not move up the ranks to earn that spot. He got a championship fight because it was a freak show match up that would sell a bunch of tickets. They also don’t like his win because big dumb brutes aren’t supposed to win MMA matches. You’re supposed to be an all around fighter with skills in striking, wrestling, and grappling. But Brock actually did have an authentic amateur wrestling background in college. Another problem with Brock’s win is that he was a former WWF wrestler which means he’s been an entertainer in a fake sport. This type of crossover hurts a sport that is real because people who might get into the sport might want to categorize MMA with Pro Wrestling which is completely inaccurate. A couple of MMA fighters have crossed into Pro Wrestling before like Ken Shamrock and Tank. This just confuses everyone.

It would have been really nice if Couture could have won but I’m not too worried. Currently, Frank Mir and Antonio Nogueira are going to duke it out to see who gets a title shot. Both Frank Mir and Nogueira are very accomplished Brazilian Jujitsu black belts who are heavier and younger than Couture and should be able to handle Brock with a good game plan.

The co main event last night was Ken Florian and Joe Stevenson. Florian demolished Stevenson in half a round. I can’t wait for Florian v BJ Penn.

Michael Phelps

WHO?!?!?

Best Coach Meltdowns

This is old stuff but here are some of my favorite coach meltdowns.

Jim Mora: Playoffs?!? Playoffs?!!

Mike Gundy: I’m a man! I’m 40!

Dennis Green: They were who we thought we were! If you want to crown them, then crown their ass!

Herm Edwards: You play to win the game. Hello?!?

Mr Olympia and Steroids

When I was a kid, one of my heroes was Arnold Schwarzenegger. I loved his movies like Predator and True Lies and I knew his claim to fame was being a 7 time Mr Olympia. Even though he couldn’t speak very much English, by virtue of being Mr Olympia alone, he was cast in his first movie which I believe was some low budget affair called Hercules. I’ve seen part of it. It’s some Greek God in New York City fish out of water story.

Since he and I’m sad to say, Van Damme, were my adolescent heroes, I was interested in working out. I read Muscle and Fitness and checked out books from the library. I knew genetics were a big part of having a certain type of physique but a lot of stuff I read said don’t worry about it and just do your best so I did. I didn’t think I was going to be some competition body builder although I was curious how much working out it took to get that big and look that ripped.

Of course I was never close to looking like that from just working out like a normal person. I read a little more and figured nutrition must be the key. For a while I took supplements like the once popular Creatine and just some of that crap they sell at GNC. Of course that didn’t work and I think it made me kind of fatter. My body type certainly didn’t need all that supplemental protein. Then I figured, you just have to eat really lean like chicken breasts and lemon all day. I didn’t think about it much once I got past that phase although I still work out when I can.

Just recently, I was watching this episode of some crime documentary like a special on 20/20 or something and this murder suspect was talking about his days of being a competition body builder. He mentioned how he had to take a lot of steroids back then pretty matter of factly and it got me thinking. Is that how competition body builders look like that?

Now don’t get me wrong. I know there are plenty of people that have great physiques and are as clean as the driven snow. I believe Terrell Owens is one of those people but as good as he looks, he doesn’t look all hulked out like body builders. I did some very light research on the Internet and sure enough they don’t test Mr Olympia and probably a lot of other body building competitions for steroids and other similar types of supplements like HGH. I read that they tried one year but so many people got eliminated that they stopped. There were talks about having a “natural” category but then what message does that send? These guys are natural and then these other guys are roided up? That would be horrible PR and most people either don’t think about it much or just assume it’s a semi clean sport like baseball. I am going to have to speculate that they’re all on something.

We Could Have A Three Way Tie In The Big 12 South

This is from ESPN:

“A little taste, but not a full taste, because the Big 12’s power resides only in the South Division, where a tiebreaker might ultimately change the face of the national championship race. If Oklahoma can close the season with wins over Texas Tech and at Oklahoma State, there is likely to be a three-way tie for the division title between the Sooners, Red Raiders and the Texas Longhorns.

Normally, ties are settled by head-to-head results, but in this case, each of these teams would have gone 1-1 against the other two. That means the tie would be broken by the BCS standings on Nov. 30, with the highest-ranked team on that day advancing to the Big 12 championship game, likely against Missouri.

Therefore, the next-to-last BCS standings of this season could hold just as much national significance as the final standings do. The breaking of the three-way tie would theoretically eliminate a couple of one-loss teams from BCS championship contention and pick one team (if it can beat Missouri) to play for the national title. ”

I think if OU crushes Tech, then we’ll have the highest BCS score, win the Big 12 Championship, and then go on for another National Championship!

Miracles can come true!

5 Minute Abs? I invented the 4 minute Abs! Well, how about the 90 second abs?

There’s a scene in Something About Mary where Ben Stiller picks up this hitchhiker. The hitcher says, I came up with this great product. You heard of 5 minute abs? Well I’m putting out a product called 4 minute abs! Stiller’s character skeptical so he sarcastically says, well you know how about 3 minute abs or 2 minute abs? Wouldn’t that be even better? The hitcher is like, No! That’s Ridiculous. You can’t even get your heart going in 3 minutes! It has to be 4 minutes!

Well last night during late night tv, I see an ad for Cross Crunch. 12 reps to the left, 12 reps to the right and you’re DONE. Like done done. Like done for the day. They say it takes about 90 seconds!

Looks better than the abdominizer.

Playing Madden On Line Then and Now

After recently burning up my poker money (that’s what I get for trying to play money tables) I decided to go into a free hobby for a little while. I decided to play Madden Online. I tried playing a few years ago and it kind of sucked back then. Back then, I played with a phone line instead of broadband so the game was super slow and choppy. There were also a lot of ways people cheated back then that they’ve since fixed.

One thing people used to do was when they were losing the game, they would pause it. There was no limit to how many times you could pause the game and how long you could pause it. If you were the one that paused it, you were also the only one who could unpause it. So people would pause it when they were losing and wait you out. If you disconnected, you had a loss on your record. These pausers would basically wait long enough for you to not notice then they would unpause the game and beat you while you weren’t playing. Pretty lame.

Another way people would cheat is act like they would pick some mediocre team to play, wait for you to make your pick, and then suddenly change it to some all star team that you had no chance of beating and immediately start the game.

Now, you have a maximum of 5 pauses and each pause has a maximum time limit.

When you pick teams now, the game doesn’t immediately start. There’s like a 10 second delay so people can still back out of the game if their opponent tries to sneak in an invincible team.

I tried just playing the computer in franchise mode but that got boring pretty fast when I upped the skill level to All Madden. When you play the computer on the top level, they see and read things that most people can’t. They’ll squeeze the ball in the tiniest of alleys and forget about blizting them. The computer will pick it up almost every time.

When I play the computer, I can’t run the ball worth shit. Now I’m carrying the ball 14 times a game and making my opponent miss.

One thing that’s annoying about playing on line is people like to go for two point converions a lot. I’m starting to figure out how to stop that. I also refuse to play New England. That stupid game lets Brady read every single defensive play you call by the third quarter if you like to use the same set like I do.

I guess I kind of wanted to see if I could get decent at Madden because I’ve been watching Madden Nation on Tv. That’s a reality show where top Madden players ride a bus and play each other for a chance at a big prize and big showdown in NYC.

Maybe if I can’t be a WSOP guy I can be a Madden Nation guy. There’s some really old dudes playing video games on that Madden Nation show.

Two Dumb Asses Get Fired Due to Facebook Behavior

Buck Burnette, a backup center and special teamer for the University of Texas, was dismissed from the team after posting a status update on his Facebook page. The update used a racial slur and said hunters needed to gather near the White House after the Obama win. He said he first received it as a text from someone else and then posted it on his own page. He’s since apologized for it as best he could.

This fall from semi glory really boggles my mind. This guy probably started playing football since he was 8 years old, became a standout player in high school, and then was probably ecstatic to receive a scholarship and have an opportunity to play for one of the best football programs in the country. After probably working pretty hard to get to where he was for a long time, he loses everything by posting something asinine and immature on his Facebook. But he’s not the only one.

Caitlin Davis, a 19 year old cheerleader for the New England Patriots, was also dismissed after writing all over her friend when he was passed out. It wasn’t the writing that got her fired, it was some of the things she wrote on him. Apparently the team didn’t appreciate her choice of skin vandalism including “I am a Jew”, “Penis”, and swastika symbols. She took a picture of her handiwork after it was done and posted the picture on Facebook.

Wow, nothing on Myspace? I guess Myspace really is dead.

Excited Poodle

Mandy can’t get enough of this poodle.

Thang’s Birthday Dinner at Pappadeaux

[Show as slideshow]

Why the F@*#! Do People Keep Trying To Steal My Credit Card Number?

A few months ago I had my debit card number stolen and used at a bunch of gas stations in Lampassas. I’ve never been to Lampassas and I don’t even know where it is. Ever since I got my wallet stolen 4 years ago, I have been very vigilant in watching over my credit.

I check my credit card balances and bank balances almost every day. I have an
Equifax account that checks all three of my credit reports and immediately texts me if there is any suspicious activity. I figure the faster I catch the thieves in action, the better the chances I have of defending myself. I’ve heard of people who would get ripped off over the course of a month and find their bank account empty by the time they check it.

After the gas debit card fiasco, I had both my debit card and my credit card reissued with a new number. That’s always a pain in the ass because there’s usually recurring bills attached to a credit card. I made a new conscious effort to use my credit card more than my debit card because it’s easier to fix fraud on a credit card than trying to get money back in your bank that came out of a debit card.

Last Thursday, I go to one of those mailing services places and send a package via Fed Ex for $17.89. I use my credit card to pay. I check my credit card later that day and see the $17.89 charge and another charge from the exact same location for $45.00. I call the place and the guy there looks at the computer and tells me his computer is only listing that $17.89 charge. I tell the guy he needs to look up some other record of outbound credit card numbers and fix this. He tells me they’ll do some research at headquarters and call me back.

He calls me back and basically tells me there’s some sort of glitch and it’ll be cleared up by Monday. Today’s Tuesday so I call them back. They now tell me that my card was used by an employee there to send a package of their own. They tell me that employee has been fired and the police notified. Well that sucks. Now I have to go through the trouble of getting a new credit card number.

Palin Falling For a Radio Station Prank Call

This is Sarah Palin falling for a prank call from a radio station. I’m told it’s real. Practical jokes make me kind of squeamish so I had to fast forward it a bit myself. I included a transcript for those of you who don’t want to watch it or find reading it is less uncomfortable.

 ABC Palin Punk’d, the Annotated Version
November 01, 2008 7:34 PM
 
Following is the transcript of the relevant part with a few notes.
 
GOV. SARAH PALIN: This is Sarah.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Ah, yeah, Gov. Palin.
 
GOV. PALIN: Helloooo!
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Just hold on for President Sarkozy, one moment.
 
GOV. PALIN: Oh, it’s not him yet, they’re saying. I always do that!
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Yes, hello, Gov. Palin…
 
GOV. PALIN: Hello, this is Sarah, how are you?
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Fine, and you? This is Nicolas Sarkozy speaking, how are you?
 
[Note: Sarkozy does not speak fluent English.]
 
GOV. PALIN: Oh, so good, it’s so good to hear you. Thank you for calling us.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Oh, it’s a pleasure.
 
GOV. PALIN: Thank you sir, we have such great respect for you, John McCain and I. We love you and thank you for taking a few minutes to talk to me.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: I follow your campaigns closely with my special American adviser Johnny Hallyday, you know?
 
[Note: Hallyday is a French singer and actor.]
 
GOV. PALIN: Yes, good.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Excellent. Are you confident?
 
GOV. PALIN: Very confident and we’re thankful that polls are showing that the race is tightening and —
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Well I know very well that the campaign can be exhausting. How do you feel right now, my dear?
 
GOV. PALIN: I feel so good. I feel like we’re in a marathon and at the very end of the marathon you get your second wind and you plow to the finish.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: You see, I got elected in France because I’m real and you seem to be someone who’s real, as well.
 
GOV. PALIN: Yes, yeah. Nicolas, we so appreciate this opportunity.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: You know I see you as a president one day, you too.
 
GOV. PALIN: (laughing) Maybe in eight years.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Well, I hope for you. You know, we have a lot in common because personally one of my favorite activities is to hunt, too.
 
GOV. PALIN: Oh, very good. We should go hunting together.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Exactly, we could go try hunting by helicopter like you did. I never did that. Like we say in French, on pourrait tuer des bebe phoques, aussi.
 
[Translation: We could also kill some baby seals.]
 
GOV. PALIN: Well, I think we could have a lot of fun together as we’re getting work done. We can kill two birds with one stone that way.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun. I’d really love to go, as long as we don’t bring along Vice-President Cheney. (Laughs.)
 
GOV. PALIN: No, I’ll be a careful shot, yes.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Yes, you know we have a lot in common also, because except from my house I can see Belgium. That’s kind of less interesting than you.
 
GOV. PALIN: Well, see, we’re right next door to different countries that we all need to be working with, yes.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Some people said in the last days and I thought that was mean that you weren’t experienced enough in foreign relations and you know that’s completely false. That’s the thing that I said to my great friend, the prime minister of Canada Stef Carse.
 
[Note: That is not the name of the prime minister of Canada. The prime minster of Canada, since January 2006, is Stephen Harper. THIS is Stef Carse.]
 
GOV. PALIN: Well, he’s doin’ fine, too, and yeah, when you come into a position underestimated it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics wrong. You work that much harder —
 
MASKED AVENGERS: I was wondering because you are so next to him, one of my good friends, the prime minister of Quebec, Mr. Richard Z. Sirois, have you met him recently? Did he come to one of your rallies?
 
[Note: There is no prime minister of Quebec, though there is a premier. His name is Jean Charest. Sirois is a Canadian humorist.]
 
GOV. PALIN: I haven’t seen him at one of the rallies but it’s been great working with the Canadian officials. I know as governor we have a great co-operative effort there as we work on all of our resource development projects. You know, I look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your beautiful wife. Oh my goodness, you’ve added a lot of energy to your country with um, with that beautiful family of yours.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Thank you very much. You know my wife Carla would love to meet you, you know, even though you know she was a bit jealous that I was supposed to speak to you today. (Laughs.)
 
GOV. PALIN: Well, give her a big hug for me.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model and she’s so hot in bed. She even wrote a song for you.
 
GOV. PALIN: Oh my goodness, I didn’t know that.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Yes, in French it’s called de rouge a levre sur un cochon, or if you prefer in English, Joe the Plumber…(singing) it’s his life, Joe the Plumber.
 
[Translation: Lipstick for a pig.]
 
GOV. PALIN: Maybe she understands some of the unfair criticism but I bet you she is such a hard worker, too, and she realizes you just plow through that criticism.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: I just want to be sure. That phenomenon Joe the Plumber. That’s not your husband, right?
 
GOV. PALIN: That’s not my husband but he’s a normal American who just works hard and doesn’t want government to take his money.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Yes, yes, I understand we have the equivalent of the Joe the Plumber in France. It’s called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit, oui.
 
GOV. PALIN: Right, that’s what it’s all about, the middle class and government needing to work for them. You’re a very good example for us here.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: I see a bit about NBC, even Fox News wasn’t an ally, an ally, sorry as much as usual.
 
GOV. PALIN: Yeah, that’s what we’re up against.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: Gov. Palin, I love the documentary they made on your life. You know Hustler’s Nailin’ Paylin?
 
[Note: Nailin' Paylin is a pornographic movie.]
 
GOV. PALIN: Ohh, good, thank you, yes.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: That was really edgy.
 
GOV. PALIN: Well, good.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: I really loved you and I must say something also, so governor, you’ve been pranked by the Masked Avengers. We are two comedians from Montreal.
 
GOV. PALIN: Ohhh, have we been pranked? And what radio station is this?
 
MASKED AVENGERS: This is for CKOI in Montreal.
 
GOV. PALIN: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters.
 
MASKED AVENGERS: CK…hello?…
 
— Jake Tapper and Arnab Datta

From Reluctant Ogre to Award Winner

I basically hated my pre-configured Shrek costume when it came in around October 1, 2008. I hated it so much that I tried to do a costume change on October 25. Our new idea was to do 80’s rocker Slash and Axl Rose. That seemed like a good idea for a while. I would be a funny looking asian Axl and Mandy would be Slash. It turned out to be a really bad idea when I started looking at other Axl’s and Slash’s on the internet. In my opinion,  nobody was pulling it off but would mug for the camera like they had a hot costume.

I’m pretty sure Slash didn’t have a jumbo, Mardi Gras top hat and those tattoo sleeves on this Axl looks horrible.

I don’t really recall Axl wearing workout gloves much and those loose fitting jeans don’t seem accurate at all.

This guy is actually a good Axl but I think he already looks like Axl.

We didn’t really give up on the entire idea until we were shopping in Hot Topic on Thursday. Everything we were going to need was just really expensive. I couldn’t find any pleather or leather pants and so I was going to have to settle for skinny jeans which were about $39. A spike belt was another $20 and wrist bands and accessories were going to be even more expensive. We thought we could borrow some of the stuff but we were still coming up really short. Even if we bought the stuff we found at Hot Topic I still needed some cowboy boots and Mandy still needed a leather jacket or a leather vest or something. We had nothing.

It was too late to come up with something new. There’s always some piece to any homemade costume that’s hard to get and to score the pieces to two new costumes was going to be impossible no matter what it was. So I was back to Shrek.

The latex mask had to go. I told myself after wearing a Garfield latex mask a decade ago on Sixth Street that I would never go full head gear again. Full head gear is hot, you can’t drink, and your peripheral vision is shit. Imagine trying to look out a tiny hole three inches from your face the entire night. If my costume was going to be interesting at all, I had to do makeup. My initial idea was to scalp the top of my Shrek mask and just attach it to my head somehow and then paint my face green. Mandy thought it wouldn’t match at all and look stupid. I thought perhaps it could look funny stupid. She wanted me to buy a bald cap.

We headed up to Lucy in Disguise on Saturday morning and I was able to score a bald cap, some Ben Nye green makeup, and the nice guy at the store (although a little spacey) found me some Shrek antennas without me even asking. I had some flesh makeup left over from last year’s costume when I was the Geico caveman and I thought I could use that to build a wide Shrek nose.

Another thing I hated about my costume were the terrible sewn on boots that didn’t look like anything but brown socks. I found a child’s pirate costume in Walgreens that had perfect pirate boot shoe covers. I decided that buying any type of real renaissance boot was going to cost too much and be too hard to find. The pirate shoe covers were just stretchy enough for me to wear my flip flops under. So I cut off the factory boots that were attached to my Shrek pants and stuffed the pants into my new boots. Definite upgrade.

I glued the bald cap on my head with Spirit Gum (what makeup people use to stick on things) and then I glued the antenna to my head. After that, I painted all the green on my face and voila.

My Donkey and Me

before

Check out the new boots

So I was off to Sean Hayden’s Halloween party. The best thing about the party is that there are a ton of people there who really put a lot of work into their costume. There’s a costume contest for individual and group and I think people try pretty hard to win. Most of the people there are strangers to me except for the 8 people I go there with.

Last year I entered the costume contest as a Geico caveman and of course I didn’t win anything. I wasn’t even going to enter this year. Entering is basically goint into the circle and dancing around or doing your costume’s bit. For example, the person who was dressed as LeeLu from the fifth element said, “Multi pass. I have a multi pass.” This is a quote from the movie for those of you who don’t know. Sometimes peopel don’t get it. The people dressed up as Warren Jessop’s wives recited some quote from their news interviews.

After seeing a couple of bad individual costumes, I decide that mine isn’t that bad and I head in the circle. When offered up the microphone, I say pretty loudly, “I want everyone to get out of my swamp!” I thought that would bring the house down but I thought I heard crickets. I thought the few people’s faces I looked at were giving me blank stares. Mandy tells me later she heard people laughing when she was in the porta potty. I watch most of the costumes and the group costumes and then leave to talk to my friends because I figured I had no shot. Also because I was still embarrassed from what I believed was a bomb of a Shrek impersonation. There was also really good Bender there made out of duct tape and boxes that I thought would dominate.

I while later as I was in line for the bathroom, people tell me that I won second place. No way! They said I was called for and didn’t show up so people thought I was in the bathroom or something.

No way! I win second place for Shrek?! The first place winner went to someone dressed as Amy Winehouse.

I’ve never won a costume contest in my life! The closest I’ve been was when I was the hunchback in the 3rd grade. I liked it so much I was the hunchback in the 4th grade as well. Between this costume, the G & R costume, the makeup, and the accessories, I’m a little embarrassed at the final amount of money that was spent. But whatever right? Halloween only comes once a year.